Wow nearly a whole year since I last posted.
I really needed someone to speak to today and without mum it makles it so hard.
I feel empty.
I had an asthma attack on Sunday. I have been to the drs 3 times since then and todays appointment was the worst of all.
I am now on 3 types of asthma medicine a day and the prednisone as well. The dr told me I am well on my way for a lung transplant and that he thinks i have COPD aka emphysemia.
I am 31 i shouldnt have to deal with this crap at my age.
I have alpha anti A trypsen deficiency which has led to the early COPD.

Rigth lots to say

Am pasting from anpother webpage about my trip to Canada.
We left Nz 1pm sat 18th. We arrived in Los Angeles midday Sat 18th. We flew for 14 hours. Our first impressions of LA was how dirty it was there was rubbish everywhere. The motorways arent tar sealed but concreated and look a dirty white. We were staying in Orange County right across the road from disney Land. that afternoon we went shopping in "Da block". I got lots lol. that night we drove to Hollywood boulevard...OMG the sights lol. we took photos of all the celebrity stars on the boulevard. They also had characters out on the street ie bumblebee from tansformers there was a spiderman climbing a powerpole.
We got to bed about 2am.
The next day we were going to Vegas we left at lunchtime...The cars in USA are nuts they overtake and cut you off all the time. we were in a 85mile zone which is about 130kms i think....scary.
We drove through Death Valley which was 40deg it was horrid. got to Vegas and it was awesome there were bands playing in the street the lights were fantastic. We went to the M&M shop which is 4 stories of merchandise. we got home at 3.30am only to be back up the next morning for disneyland.
I would pay hundreds to go to Disneyland it is awesome we saw about 1/8 of what was there and we were there until 12am.
the shows are mindblowing. I made friends with some locals who just happened to have the day of and who work at disneyland hehehe they gave me their store discount of 35% off anything...I spent sooo much. We sat and talked to our new mates and got home at 2am lol. they were so friendly and left such a awesome last impression of Orange County.
We flew to Calgary today and missed our connecting flight to Edmonton. we finally got to Edmonton this afternoon driving to my brothers house we saw a awesome thunderstorm display. right i have had about 6 hours sleep since saturday so I am of to bed.
I went shopping!!! and man did i go shopping lol.
went to the biggest mall in the world. It has a waterpark, casino, rollercoaster themepark inside.
Soooo many hundred shops. i went shopping for 4 hours and walked out with 17 shockfull bags of goodies. My suitcases are full already and i still have over a week to go.
I do have a awful headcold ...stupid sick people on the plane.
Of to a BBQ hehe i have been wearing singlets and shorts nananana
Went to elk Island this morning. there were herds of buffalo just walking across the roads. They are huge.
Jamie and I saw a huge owl fly out of the bushes i was too busy coughing to get a photo.."stupid cold".
We went for a bush walk which was about 40 mins long. Mega cute toadstools which i took lots of pics of you could almost imaginee wee fairies underneath them.
went down to the water and saw a leech ewwww.
Saw no deer,elk, moose, bears or even a squirrel or chipmunk grrrr.
spending the rest of the afternoon at home relaxing, washing and organising my suitcases.
tomorrow is mall day again YAY.
We are sstaying in Mt Albert which is really really pretty actually all I have seen of Canada is pretty very much like NZ.
There are 7 of us staying in a 2 bedroom condo. Very crowded but we all get on all right.
The weather was 25 deg earlier and is supposed to be 28deg tomorrow.
tomorrow night is Jamie and Janices wedding rehearsal. Then saturday is the big day.
I am missing Pete and the kids sooo much. I rang them the other day and pete was really talkative so must be missing me too. Jordy spoke to me and kept saying "ahhhh ooooh" which is love you. pete asked Bry if she wanted to speak to me she goes "no please" little toerag!
On Friday we went back to the mall. What a mammoth effort. We were there from 10am until 5.30pm.
I got a new dress for the wedding and am proud to say it wasn't black lol.
Did a bit more present shopping.
we had Janice and Jamies wedding yesterday. I now have a new sister.
Janice looked absolutely amazing. She made a stunning bride. Jamie got a bit teary waiting for her. I on the other hand burst out crying as soon as I read the program. They had mentioned mum been there in spirit. I then proceeded to cry through the whole wedding. I felt like a right plonker.
Back at the dance I cried right through the speeches and had managed to compose myself and then heard the song that was played at mums funeral. Well I lost it completely.
I was a mixture of been tired missing Pete and the kids upset that mum wasn't there to see her only boy get married and i had a killer headache. I couldnt stop crying. I was ready to come back to the condo pack and fly home on the first available flight.
I spoke to Jamie and he got me laughing again.
The silly DJ man didnt know who Dave dobbyn was or the exponents were lol. The Canadians go nuts over this crazy country foot stamping clapping laugh I was watching them all dance with my mouth open hehe.
One of the lonely 7 or so Kiwis broke into song singing the National anthem we all joined in and I was especially proud that Janice Jamies Canadian wife knew everyword hehe.
The had the reception at Mayfair golfpark. OMG it was sooo beautiful.
I SAW A SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!! They are soooo cute also saw a huge bunny running along with these giant legs I think they are called a jack rabbit.
Today we had a lunch round at Janices parents house there was about 40 odd people there. After lunch we all went down to the local park where we played Canadian football which is kinda like grid iron and yes i played. Jamie pushed me over while I was running and i did a fantastic dive and roll lol now I can barely walk.
Tomorrow we are going to Janices parents farm where we are going fishing shoul be fun.
Well we went to the farm. It was beautiful, stunning drive up there. Once we were at the farm we had a game of touch (I dont think I have exercise so much in years). the Jamie decided to take us fishing. It was about a 5 min drive then he said we had to walk about a 5-10 minute walk...LIAR!!!!
I got all excited about the grasshoppers jumping around. we started walking while carrying fishing roads bags etc. We were walking through kneehigh grass/wheat/raspberry bushes. Seriously there were hundreds off these huge grasshoppers jumping everywhere and i mean hundreds. There wre hitting us in our face, hair, legs. I had some in my shoes. Plus it must of been about 28deg. There was carnage everywhere. After about 25-30 mins we got to this steep bank I slid down on my bum and proceeded to step over this stagnate stream/pool of dirty fly ridden smelly water. I slipped and fell on my stomach. My right leg was knee deep in that stench. I started to have a panac attack. Jamie and Nick were about 2 meters away and all they did was laugh. I was crying/screaming saying that the leeches and piranahs were getting me. Meanwhile Shakayla was stuck on the bank and was freaking that there were bees everywhere. Kim had fallen into mud and had it up to her knees and all down her arms.
We headed back to the farm after about 20 mins and had hotdogs and smores over a firepit...mmmmmm.
Tues we headed up to the Rockies and saw some of the most beautiful views in the world. I went on 2 more walks (good eh) took 1200 pictures and yes I am serious. Saw some awesome wildlife I had a chipmunk just about eating out of my hand.
Will continue this when I get home it is currently 2.54am Thursday morning and I have a flight to catch in a few hours. No sleep since tues night...long flight home.
We flew out of Edmonton 8am Thursday morning. I hated it. I cried when we took off. I cried when i said bye to Jamie. will miss him heaps.
We flew into LA and had 9 hours to wait for the plane so we decided to go to Hollywood Boulevard again and go to Madam Tussards. What a friggen mistake lol. They were unveiling Michael Jacksons wax figure there were tv crews everywhere people everywhere. The wax figures are awesome and look so real. Will upload some shortly lol.
When we got back to chch Pete, Bry and Bugs were waiting right outside the arrivals door. I ran up to them gave Bry a huge kiss and cuddle. Bugs was yelling "mummmmmmmmmm" I gave him a big cuddle and kiss. Tears pouring down my face. He stood there and just stared at me in total amazement lol he kept touching my face was sooo cute. Pete seemed really happy to see me and gave me a huge cuddle.
I loved been away but i was so excited to see my family.
Maybe in a few years i might consider going over to edmonton again could quite easily live there. I fell in love with the city and people.
They are so friendly....except the nutty 7-11 dairy lady. She couldnt understand me and kept yelling at me.
Got woken up this morning at 7.30am and had two wee munchkins in bed with me.

WOW i havent written on here for ages.
Jordan has been assessed by the MOE for his speech and he needs to be seen regulary.
He has been discharged by the physio WooP WOOP.
He is doing great and is such a wee darling. He comes up to me all the time and goes "arv oo" ( i love you).
He was waiting to hop in the bath the other day with Bry and peed all over her leg lol she was not impressed.
His eating is still utter crap and its a huge effort to get him to eat anything. He is still soo skinny.
Shakayla got her report the other day and despite her been a little shit at home she must save her best behaviour for school....glowing report with all As....go Kayla.
This Saturday Kayla and fly over to LA on the sunday we are going to Las Vegas and on the monday disneyland on the Tuesday we fly to edmonton canada for 10 nights for my brothers wedding.
I am going to miss my babies sooooo much.
I still miss mum on a daily basis. I think about her and get so angry that she is gone that i really feel like kicking something and been distructive.
I would walk the earth to see her one more time.
I lay in bed at night once everyone is asleep and cry myself to sleep.
Thats the only time i will let myself think about her. I feel so robbed.
I am slowly loosing weight i have now lost 5 kgs in 3 weeks. I need to lose so much more though such a long process but so worth it.
Pete and i are finally getting married Jan 2011 which really isnt that long away. I seriously dont know how i will do it without my mum. I have spoken to a good friend and have decided that my wedding dance with dad i will use one of mums favourites songs which will no doubt bring me to tears.
I still havent been able to listen to the songs that were played at mums funeral.
Right i have work tonight argh so better get a move on and look presentable.

I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of leaving my children and Pete. I'm scared of them dying.
I think about mum and i get soo angry that she was taken so soon. I still ache so much just to speak to her again.
I look at her ashes and can't believe that that is all that is left of my darling mum.
Jords mri came back perfect and i so wanted to tell her. I think about her and it doesnt matter where i am or what i am doing i get tears.
I did't think it was possible to hurt soo much and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
I feel robbed that i can't see her again and that my kids will never see her again.

Jordan had his MRI on the 28 May. It all went fantastically. He made some funny noises when he went to sleep.....i started freaking the drs told me it is quite normal. He was also quite hard to up but i think thats becuase he had been awake since 2am.
We were quite lucky in the fact that Jords was the first to go up.
I finished work last night and was waiting for Pete to pick me up. I was sitting there thinking about mum humming Celine dions "Goodbye" as it reminds me of mum.I got in the car and the first song that came on was that song. I just sat there and listened.
Then I had a dream last night that she rang me to tell me she was still alive and that it had all been a huge mistake...I remember crying in the phone saying NO NO NO It cant be true your lying to me. She then showed up for the last time and i could hug her again and smell her again. I remember breathing in real deep trying to engrave the smell of her into my head for ever. I remember touching her skin and giving her these huge kisses and just wrapping my arms around her....
Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream Iit felt so real, I can almost still smell her.

My life officially sucks....
I miss mum so much it hurts.I want her back. I have drifted away from all my friends and i feel like my family has been ripped apart. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I lost it at the hospital today.
After waiting since November for a MRI appointment for my 23 month old son we recieved one last week for today. We arrived up there at 7.30am dropped my 3yr old of at a friends. My son was nil by mouth since last night. There were 2 other kids that needed them as well. Since my son was the oldest by 1 day he was to go last. We got told his mri was to be at 11.30am. Needless to say he grizzled the whole time cos he was hungry and thirsty. At 12 we got taken up to the MRI waiting room and told to wait. About 10mins later someone comes in and said it would be another half hour.
Which was fine with us. 20mins later the same guy pops his head through the door and told us to go home as they ran out of time. I asked why they couldnt do his later on this afternoon and was told there were other people waiting for them.....so were we.He was in the room with us all of 20 secs.Went down to the ward and the nurses there had no idea what was going on and when told were fuming.Now my son has eating/drinking problems. He doesn't eat at the best of times he is on neocate and duocal to try and fatten him up. So he really needs his bottles. His poor lips were dry and he was all clammy. He was laying across Petes knees grunting. Surely they would know how long each MRI takes to do and allocate extra time if needed.
I feel the blimmen hospital has failed us again.
I blame them formums death....she should never had died in a room with other patients.

I ache and ache to speak to mum one last time. I want it sooo bad it hurts.
I got the phamplets today for some coucilling (thanks Sonya). There is a 4 week wait but it is better than nothing. I also made Pete read a grief book i had here. I think he understands me a bit more now. I tried to tell him im not angry at hime but just life in general and unfortunatly he is the one who cops it.