I need help. I have plodded on since November with this awful feeling. I could sort of deal with it back then. It started when I got told Jordan (22 Months) had cerebral palsy. I have had it up to here with relatives, friends etc saying there is nothing wrong with Jords.
The pead yesterday mentioned dyspraxia, chronic constipation and Jordy having a MRI...i took none of it in. I was upset he didnt get excited with me when i said i had taught Jordy how to jump.
Mum died a month ago which is a hueg shock to me. I havn't grieved at all for mum even though i know i should be.
I wont think about her because if i do i have to admit she really is gone. At least if i dont think about her i can pretend she is still here.
I have sop much going on in my life right now i feel as if i am cracking. I just want to walk out and leave everything I just want time by myself.
Dont get me wrong i love my children and partner dearly and would never truly leave them but at the mo i just want to go.
I am also scared i will die and leave my children.
I know i am cracking. I am not perfect in fact at the moment i feel like the worlds worst mother/partner/friend.
I wrote on my blog today and a friend has contacted me and said she was worried about me. She has started the process for me to get grief councilling.
I dont drive so i dont go anywhere apart form hospital and work. I feel so alone at the moment...so isolated. I know only i can change that.
I need to visit my dr anyway to get a full medical check for insurance. Seriously i lay in bed at night and wonder if i am going nuts. On the outside i think i seem normal. someone the other day told me i had lost my spark...so if anyone finds it can you kindly return it.
Why can everyone else grieve. I just rang dad and he started crying and i changed the subject so i wouldnt have to think about it.
I have been in touch with a grief councillor but there is a waiting list.
My karitane nurse came round and she is really worried about me. She thinks im not coping with Jordys problems let alone mums.
Far out i wish it was a year ago....i had a mum and a healthy (to my knowledge) son.
My world is crashing down round me and i cant do a bliken thinkg to stop it.
Stop the world i need to get off.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI posted on your blog(i think) a long time ago. My son also has CP. He got diagnosed when he was 3 months - he is now nearly 16 months.
"I have had it up to here with relatives, friends etc saying there is nothing wrong with Jords." - I know EXACTLY how that feels. I don't know whether people say it to make us mums feel better(it doesn't) or what. I put it down to that they truly have no idea of what it is like to have a child with CP, there fore helping me to forgive them for their 'mistakes'. i was one of those people before i had cameron.
i have to log off now, but hey, you're not alone hun.
louise.