WOW i havent written on here for ages.
Jordan has been assessed by the MOE for his speech and he needs to be seen regulary.
He has been discharged by the physio WooP WOOP.
He is doing great and is such a wee darling. He comes up to me all the time and goes "arv oo" ( i love you).
He was waiting to hop in the bath the other day with Bry and peed all over her leg lol she was not impressed.
His eating is still utter crap and its a huge effort to get him to eat anything. He is still soo skinny.
Shakayla got her report the other day and despite her been a little shit at home she must save her best behaviour for school....glowing report with all As....go Kayla.
This Saturday Kayla and fly over to LA on the sunday we are going to Las Vegas and on the monday disneyland on the Tuesday we fly to edmonton canada for 10 nights for my brothers wedding.
I am going to miss my babies sooooo much.
I still miss mum on a daily basis. I think about her and get so angry that she is gone that i really feel like kicking something and been distructive.
I would walk the earth to see her one more time.
I lay in bed at night once everyone is asleep and cry myself to sleep.
Thats the only time i will let myself think about her. I feel so robbed.
I am slowly loosing weight i have now lost 5 kgs in 3 weeks. I need to lose so much more though such a long process but so worth it.
Pete and i are finally getting married Jan 2011 which really isnt that long away. I seriously dont know how i will do it without my mum. I have spoken to a good friend and have decided that my wedding dance with dad i will use one of mums favourites songs which will no doubt bring me to tears.
I still havent been able to listen to the songs that were played at mums funeral.
Right i have work tonight argh so better get a move on and look presentable.

I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of leaving my children and Pete. I'm scared of them dying.
I think about mum and i get soo angry that she was taken so soon. I still ache so much just to speak to her again.
I look at her ashes and can't believe that that is all that is left of my darling mum.
Jords mri came back perfect and i so wanted to tell her. I think about her and it doesnt matter where i am or what i am doing i get tears.
I did't think it was possible to hurt soo much and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
I feel robbed that i can't see her again and that my kids will never see her again.

Jordan had his MRI on the 28 May. It all went fantastically. He made some funny noises when he went to sleep.....i started freaking the drs told me it is quite normal. He was also quite hard to up but i think thats becuase he had been awake since 2am.
We were quite lucky in the fact that Jords was the first to go up.
I finished work last night and was waiting for Pete to pick me up. I was sitting there thinking about mum humming Celine dions "Goodbye" as it reminds me of mum.I got in the car and the first song that came on was that song. I just sat there and listened.
Then I had a dream last night that she rang me to tell me she was still alive and that it had all been a huge mistake...I remember crying in the phone saying NO NO NO It cant be true your lying to me. She then showed up for the last time and i could hug her again and smell her again. I remember breathing in real deep trying to engrave the smell of her into my head for ever. I remember touching her skin and giving her these huge kisses and just wrapping my arms around her....
Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream Iit felt so real, I can almost still smell her.

My life officially sucks....
I miss mum so much it hurts.I want her back. I have drifted away from all my friends and i feel like my family has been ripped apart. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I lost it at the hospital today.
After waiting since November for a MRI appointment for my 23 month old son we recieved one last week for today. We arrived up there at 7.30am dropped my 3yr old of at a friends. My son was nil by mouth since last night. There were 2 other kids that needed them as well. Since my son was the oldest by 1 day he was to go last. We got told his mri was to be at 11.30am. Needless to say he grizzled the whole time cos he was hungry and thirsty. At 12 we got taken up to the MRI waiting room and told to wait. About 10mins later someone comes in and said it would be another half hour.
Which was fine with us. 20mins later the same guy pops his head through the door and told us to go home as they ran out of time. I asked why they couldnt do his later on this afternoon and was told there were other people waiting for them.....so were we.He was in the room with us all of 20 secs.Went down to the ward and the nurses there had no idea what was going on and when told were fuming.Now my son has eating/drinking problems. He doesn't eat at the best of times he is on neocate and duocal to try and fatten him up. So he really needs his bottles. His poor lips were dry and he was all clammy. He was laying across Petes knees grunting. Surely they would know how long each MRI takes to do and allocate extra time if needed.
I feel the blimmen hospital has failed us again.
I blame them formums death....she should never had died in a room with other patients.

I ache and ache to speak to mum one last time. I want it sooo bad it hurts.
I got the phamplets today for some coucilling (thanks Sonya). There is a 4 week wait but it is better than nothing. I also made Pete read a grief book i had here. I think he understands me a bit more now. I tried to tell him im not angry at hime but just life in general and unfortunatly he is the one who cops it.

I need help. I have plodded on since November with this awful feeling. I could sort of deal with it back then. It started when I got told Jordan (22 Months) had cerebral palsy. I have had it up to here with relatives, friends etc saying there is nothing wrong with Jords.
The pead yesterday mentioned dyspraxia, chronic constipation and Jordy having a MRI...i took none of it in. I was upset he didnt get excited with me when i said i had taught Jordy how to jump.
Mum died a month ago which is a hueg shock to me. I havn't grieved at all for mum even though i know i should be.
I wont think about her because if i do i have to admit she really is gone. At least if i dont think about her i can pretend she is still here.
I have sop much going on in my life right now i feel as if i am cracking. I just want to walk out and leave everything I just want time by myself.
Dont get me wrong i love my children and partner dearly and would never truly leave them but at the mo i just want to go.
I am also scared i will die and leave my children.
I know i am cracking. I am not perfect in fact at the moment i feel like the worlds worst mother/partner/friend.
I wrote on my blog today and a friend has contacted me and said she was worried about me. She has started the process for me to get grief councilling.
I dont drive so i dont go anywhere apart form hospital and work. I feel so alone at the moment...so isolated. I know only i can change that.
I need to visit my dr anyway to get a full medical check for insurance. Seriously i lay in bed at night and wonder if i am going nuts. On the outside i think i seem normal. someone the other day told me i had lost my spark...so if anyone finds it can you kindly return it.
Why can everyone else grieve. I just rang dad and he started crying and i changed the subject so i wouldnt have to think about it.
I have been in touch with a grief councillor but there is a waiting list.
My karitane nurse came round and she is really worried about me. She thinks im not coping with Jordys problems let alone mums.
Far out i wish it was a year ago....i had a mum and a healthy (to my knowledge) son.
My world is crashing down round me and i cant do a bliken thinkg to stop it.
Stop the world i need to get off.

Jordie had his pead appointment yesterday. I thought Jordy was doing ok. The pead thinks otherwise. I was telling him how Jords can jump now and can follow one word instructions. The pead thinks Jordy walking is bad compared to how long he has been walking. Jordy walks with a gait and twists his right leg out. He has been referred to early childhood intervention centre and referred for a MRI which he will need to be knocked out for. I am freaking ...i dont want him knocked out. The pead was also writing a letter again to Beacon House. I know things could be a whole lot worse but this was never how i pictured my sons life to be. Yes he is a wee cutie and a absolute delight and i dont think i would ever change his personality but i wish his life was normal.
The pead also mentioned dyspraxia but i wasnt in the right mindset to question it any further.
I think what makes things so hard is that people see Jordy and to them he looks normal so they dont understand what the hospital are on about. I am sick and tired of trying to explain to people that yes Jordy looks normal but medically he is not. It is a complete waste of my time and energy not to mention it upsets me when people try to double guess and tell me that there is nothing wrong with Jordy. Jordy has cerebral palsy and global learning delays with his speech and motor skills.
There i have had my vent.