My life officially sucks....
I miss mum so much it hurts.I want her back. I have drifted away from all my friends and i feel like my family has been ripped apart. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I lost it at the hospital today.
After waiting since November for a MRI appointment for my 23 month old son we recieved one last week for today. We arrived up there at 7.30am dropped my 3yr old of at a friends. My son was nil by mouth since last night. There were 2 other kids that needed them as well. Since my son was the oldest by 1 day he was to go last. We got told his mri was to be at 11.30am. Needless to say he grizzled the whole time cos he was hungry and thirsty. At 12 we got taken up to the MRI waiting room and told to wait. About 10mins later someone comes in and said it would be another half hour.
Which was fine with us. 20mins later the same guy pops his head through the door and told us to go home as they ran out of time. I asked why they couldnt do his later on this afternoon and was told there were other people waiting for them.....so were we.He was in the room with us all of 20 secs.Went down to the ward and the nurses there had no idea what was going on and when told were fuming.Now my son has eating/drinking problems. He doesn't eat at the best of times he is on neocate and duocal to try and fatten him up. So he really needs his bottles. His poor lips were dry and he was all clammy. He was laying across Petes knees grunting. Surely they would know how long each MRI takes to do and allocate extra time if needed.
I feel the blimmen hospital has failed us again.
I blame them formums death....she should never had died in a room with other patients.

I ache and ache to speak to mum one last time. I want it sooo bad it hurts.
I got the phamplets today for some coucilling (thanks Sonya). There is a 4 week wait but it is better than nothing. I also made Pete read a grief book i had here. I think he understands me a bit more now. I tried to tell him im not angry at hime but just life in general and unfortunatly he is the one who cops it.

I need help. I have plodded on since November with this awful feeling. I could sort of deal with it back then. It started when I got told Jordan (22 Months) had cerebral palsy. I have had it up to here with relatives, friends etc saying there is nothing wrong with Jords.
The pead yesterday mentioned dyspraxia, chronic constipation and Jordy having a MRI...i took none of it in. I was upset he didnt get excited with me when i said i had taught Jordy how to jump.
Mum died a month ago which is a hueg shock to me. I havn't grieved at all for mum even though i know i should be.
I wont think about her because if i do i have to admit she really is gone. At least if i dont think about her i can pretend she is still here.
I have sop much going on in my life right now i feel as if i am cracking. I just want to walk out and leave everything I just want time by myself.
Dont get me wrong i love my children and partner dearly and would never truly leave them but at the mo i just want to go.
I am also scared i will die and leave my children.
I know i am cracking. I am not perfect in fact at the moment i feel like the worlds worst mother/partner/friend.
I wrote on my blog today and a friend has contacted me and said she was worried about me. She has started the process for me to get grief councilling.
I dont drive so i dont go anywhere apart form hospital and work. I feel so alone at the moment...so isolated. I know only i can change that.
I need to visit my dr anyway to get a full medical check for insurance. Seriously i lay in bed at night and wonder if i am going nuts. On the outside i think i seem normal. someone the other day told me i had lost my spark...so if anyone finds it can you kindly return it.
Why can everyone else grieve. I just rang dad and he started crying and i changed the subject so i wouldnt have to think about it.
I have been in touch with a grief councillor but there is a waiting list.
My karitane nurse came round and she is really worried about me. She thinks im not coping with Jordys problems let alone mums.
Far out i wish it was a year ago....i had a mum and a healthy (to my knowledge) son.
My world is crashing down round me and i cant do a bliken thinkg to stop it.
Stop the world i need to get off.

Jordie had his pead appointment yesterday. I thought Jordy was doing ok. The pead thinks otherwise. I was telling him how Jords can jump now and can follow one word instructions. The pead thinks Jordy walking is bad compared to how long he has been walking. Jordy walks with a gait and twists his right leg out. He has been referred to early childhood intervention centre and referred for a MRI which he will need to be knocked out for. I am freaking ...i dont want him knocked out. The pead was also writing a letter again to Beacon House. I know things could be a whole lot worse but this was never how i pictured my sons life to be. Yes he is a wee cutie and a absolute delight and i dont think i would ever change his personality but i wish his life was normal.
The pead also mentioned dyspraxia but i wasnt in the right mindset to question it any further.
I think what makes things so hard is that people see Jordy and to them he looks normal so they dont understand what the hospital are on about. I am sick and tired of trying to explain to people that yes Jordy looks normal but medically he is not. It is a complete waste of my time and energy not to mention it upsets me when people try to double guess and tell me that there is nothing wrong with Jordy. Jordy has cerebral palsy and global learning delays with his speech and motor skills.
There i have had my vent.

Its Brydees birthday on Friday and i am angry, upset, gutted that she wont be here for it.If i dont think about mum I am fine....which is what i have tended to do since she died. I know its all sitting there waiting to overtake me. I have no place to grieve for mum. I wont cry round my kids cos they get upset. So i am just holding it all back. I ... Read Morehave heaps going on at the moment and i seem to be taking more and more on so i dont get a chance to think about mum. Im scared i will crack soon and end up having a breakdown.

I had my 30th on Saturday night and i had a fantastic time...i got utterly drunk.
The night before i had a dream that my brother had sliced my leg open with a knife i sent him to jail and i went round and told mum. She got majorly pissed at me and started chasing me with a knife. I climbed up the big gum tree and then i started flying as mum went to kill me i started crying and as i was crying i started singing "i will always love you"....next minute Pete woke me up and told me to be quiet apparantly i had started singing and crying in my sleep. I broke down when i woke up and i cried and cried.
I still think this is a bad dream and i keep hoping i will wake up soon. I am scared i will forget her.

ewwww freaky freaky freaky...
Brydee is not sleeping at the moment. She goes to bed and comes out saying she is scared. This has been going on for the last week or so.
I asked her today why she was scared and she said "the baby cries" I asked her what baby and her reply was "baby on the box (blanket hamper) cries.
I asked her when she sees the baby and she replied "in bed"....I dont know if i believe in ghosts but this has me stumped. She is really scared at night.