I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of leaving my children and Pete. I'm scared of them dying.
I think about mum and i get soo angry that she was taken so soon. I still ache so much just to speak to her again.
I look at her ashes and can't believe that that is all that is left of my darling mum.
Jords mri came back perfect and i so wanted to tell her. I think about her and it doesnt matter where i am or what i am doing i get tears.
I did't think it was possible to hurt soo much and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
I feel robbed that i can't see her again and that my kids will never see her again.

Jordan had his MRI on the 28 May. It all went fantastically. He made some funny noises when he went to sleep.....i started freaking the drs told me it is quite normal. He was also quite hard to up but i think thats becuase he had been awake since 2am.
We were quite lucky in the fact that Jords was the first to go up.
I finished work last night and was waiting for Pete to pick me up. I was sitting there thinking about mum humming Celine dions "Goodbye" as it reminds me of mum.I got in the car and the first song that came on was that song. I just sat there and listened.
Then I had a dream last night that she rang me to tell me she was still alive and that it had all been a huge mistake...I remember crying in the phone saying NO NO NO It cant be true your lying to me. She then showed up for the last time and i could hug her again and smell her again. I remember breathing in real deep trying to engrave the smell of her into my head for ever. I remember touching her skin and giving her these huge kisses and just wrapping my arms around her....
Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream Iit felt so real, I can almost still smell her.