I ache and ache to speak to mum one last time. I want it sooo bad it hurts.
I got the phamplets today for some coucilling (thanks Sonya). There is a 4 week wait but it is better than nothing. I also made Pete read a grief book i had here. I think he understands me a bit more now. I tried to tell him im not angry at hime but just life in general and unfortunatly he is the one who cops it.

I need help. I have plodded on since November with this awful feeling. I could sort of deal with it back then. It started when I got told Jordan (22 Months) had cerebral palsy. I have had it up to here with relatives, friends etc saying there is nothing wrong with Jords.
The pead yesterday mentioned dyspraxia, chronic constipation and Jordy having a MRI...i took none of it in. I was upset he didnt get excited with me when i said i had taught Jordy how to jump.
Mum died a month ago which is a hueg shock to me. I havn't grieved at all for mum even though i know i should be.
I wont think about her because if i do i have to admit she really is gone. At least if i dont think about her i can pretend she is still here.
I have sop much going on in my life right now i feel as if i am cracking. I just want to walk out and leave everything I just want time by myself.
Dont get me wrong i love my children and partner dearly and would never truly leave them but at the mo i just want to go.
I am also scared i will die and leave my children.
I know i am cracking. I am not perfect in fact at the moment i feel like the worlds worst mother/partner/friend.
I wrote on my blog today and a friend has contacted me and said she was worried about me. She has started the process for me to get grief councilling.
I dont drive so i dont go anywhere apart form hospital and work. I feel so alone at the moment...so isolated. I know only i can change that.
I need to visit my dr anyway to get a full medical check for insurance. Seriously i lay in bed at night and wonder if i am going nuts. On the outside i think i seem normal. someone the other day told me i had lost my spark...so if anyone finds it can you kindly return it.
Why can everyone else grieve. I just rang dad and he started crying and i changed the subject so i wouldnt have to think about it.
I have been in touch with a grief councillor but there is a waiting list.
My karitane nurse came round and she is really worried about me. She thinks im not coping with Jordys problems let alone mums.
Far out i wish it was a year ago....i had a mum and a healthy (to my knowledge) son.
My world is crashing down round me and i cant do a bliken thinkg to stop it.
Stop the world i need to get off.

Jordie had his pead appointment yesterday. I thought Jordy was doing ok. The pead thinks otherwise. I was telling him how Jords can jump now and can follow one word instructions. The pead thinks Jordy walking is bad compared to how long he has been walking. Jordy walks with a gait and twists his right leg out. He has been referred to early childhood intervention centre and referred for a MRI which he will need to be knocked out for. I am freaking ...i dont want him knocked out. The pead was also writing a letter again to Beacon House. I know things could be a whole lot worse but this was never how i pictured my sons life to be. Yes he is a wee cutie and a absolute delight and i dont think i would ever change his personality but i wish his life was normal.
The pead also mentioned dyspraxia but i wasnt in the right mindset to question it any further.
I think what makes things so hard is that people see Jordy and to them he looks normal so they dont understand what the hospital are on about. I am sick and tired of trying to explain to people that yes Jordy looks normal but medically he is not. It is a complete waste of my time and energy not to mention it upsets me when people try to double guess and tell me that there is nothing wrong with Jordy. Jordy has cerebral palsy and global learning delays with his speech and motor skills.
There i have had my vent.