Rigth lots to say

Am pasting from anpother webpage about my trip to Canada.
We left Nz 1pm sat 18th. We arrived in Los Angeles midday Sat 18th. We flew for 14 hours. Our first impressions of LA was how dirty it was there was rubbish everywhere. The motorways arent tar sealed but concreated and look a dirty white. We were staying in Orange County right across the road from disney Land. that afternoon we went shopping in "Da block". I got lots lol. that night we drove to Hollywood boulevard...OMG the sights lol. we took photos of all the celebrity stars on the boulevard. They also had characters out on the street ie bumblebee from tansformers there was a spiderman climbing a powerpole.
We got to bed about 2am.
The next day we were going to Vegas we left at lunchtime...The cars in USA are nuts they overtake and cut you off all the time. we were in a 85mile zone which is about 130kms i think....scary.
We drove through Death Valley which was 40deg it was horrid. got to Vegas and it was awesome there were bands playing in the street the lights were fantastic. We went to the M&M shop which is 4 stories of merchandise. we got home at 3.30am only to be back up the next morning for disneyland.
I would pay hundreds to go to Disneyland it is awesome we saw about 1/8 of what was there and we were there until 12am.
the shows are mindblowing. I made friends with some locals who just happened to have the day of and who work at disneyland hehehe they gave me their store discount of 35% off anything...I spent sooo much. We sat and talked to our new mates and got home at 2am lol. they were so friendly and left such a awesome last impression of Orange County.
We flew to Calgary today and missed our connecting flight to Edmonton. we finally got to Edmonton this afternoon driving to my brothers house we saw a awesome thunderstorm display. right i have had about 6 hours sleep since saturday so I am of to bed.
I went shopping!!! and man did i go shopping lol.
went to the biggest mall in the world. It has a waterpark, casino, rollercoaster themepark inside.
Soooo many hundred shops. i went shopping for 4 hours and walked out with 17 shockfull bags of goodies. My suitcases are full already and i still have over a week to go.
I do have a awful headcold ...stupid sick people on the plane.
Of to a BBQ hehe i have been wearing singlets and shorts nananana
Went to elk Island this morning. there were herds of buffalo just walking across the roads. They are huge.
Jamie and I saw a huge owl fly out of the bushes i was too busy coughing to get a photo.."stupid cold".
We went for a bush walk which was about 40 mins long. Mega cute toadstools which i took lots of pics of you could almost imaginee wee fairies underneath them.
went down to the water and saw a leech ewwww.
Saw no deer,elk, moose, bears or even a squirrel or chipmunk grrrr.
spending the rest of the afternoon at home relaxing, washing and organising my suitcases.
tomorrow is mall day again YAY.
We are sstaying in Mt Albert which is really really pretty actually all I have seen of Canada is pretty very much like NZ.
There are 7 of us staying in a 2 bedroom condo. Very crowded but we all get on all right.
The weather was 25 deg earlier and is supposed to be 28deg tomorrow.
tomorrow night is Jamie and Janices wedding rehearsal. Then saturday is the big day.
I am missing Pete and the kids sooo much. I rang them the other day and pete was really talkative so must be missing me too. Jordy spoke to me and kept saying "ahhhh ooooh" which is love you. pete asked Bry if she wanted to speak to me she goes "no please" little toerag!
On Friday we went back to the mall. What a mammoth effort. We were there from 10am until 5.30pm.
I got a new dress for the wedding and am proud to say it wasn't black lol.
Did a bit more present shopping.
we had Janice and Jamies wedding yesterday. I now have a new sister.
Janice looked absolutely amazing. She made a stunning bride. Jamie got a bit teary waiting for her. I on the other hand burst out crying as soon as I read the program. They had mentioned mum been there in spirit. I then proceeded to cry through the whole wedding. I felt like a right plonker.
Back at the dance I cried right through the speeches and had managed to compose myself and then heard the song that was played at mums funeral. Well I lost it completely.
I was a mixture of been tired missing Pete and the kids upset that mum wasn't there to see her only boy get married and i had a killer headache. I couldnt stop crying. I was ready to come back to the condo pack and fly home on the first available flight.
I spoke to Jamie and he got me laughing again.
The silly DJ man didnt know who Dave dobbyn was or the exponents were lol. The Canadians go nuts over this crazy country foot stamping clapping laugh I was watching them all dance with my mouth open hehe.
One of the lonely 7 or so Kiwis broke into song singing the National anthem we all joined in and I was especially proud that Janice Jamies Canadian wife knew everyword hehe.
The had the reception at Mayfair golfpark. OMG it was sooo beautiful.
I SAW A SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!! They are soooo cute also saw a huge bunny running along with these giant legs I think they are called a jack rabbit.
Today we had a lunch round at Janices parents house there was about 40 odd people there. After lunch we all went down to the local park where we played Canadian football which is kinda like grid iron and yes i played. Jamie pushed me over while I was running and i did a fantastic dive and roll lol now I can barely walk.
Tomorrow we are going to Janices parents farm where we are going fishing shoul be fun.
Well we went to the farm. It was beautiful, stunning drive up there. Once we were at the farm we had a game of touch (I dont think I have exercise so much in years). the Jamie decided to take us fishing. It was about a 5 min drive then he said we had to walk about a 5-10 minute walk...LIAR!!!!
I got all excited about the grasshoppers jumping around. we started walking while carrying fishing roads bags etc. We were walking through kneehigh grass/wheat/raspberry bushes. Seriously there were hundreds off these huge grasshoppers jumping everywhere and i mean hundreds. There wre hitting us in our face, hair, legs. I had some in my shoes. Plus it must of been about 28deg. There was carnage everywhere. After about 25-30 mins we got to this steep bank I slid down on my bum and proceeded to step over this stagnate stream/pool of dirty fly ridden smelly water. I slipped and fell on my stomach. My right leg was knee deep in that stench. I started to have a panac attack. Jamie and Nick were about 2 meters away and all they did was laugh. I was crying/screaming saying that the leeches and piranahs were getting me. Meanwhile Shakayla was stuck on the bank and was freaking that there were bees everywhere. Kim had fallen into mud and had it up to her knees and all down her arms.
We headed back to the farm after about 20 mins and had hotdogs and smores over a firepit...mmmmmm.
Tues we headed up to the Rockies and saw some of the most beautiful views in the world. I went on 2 more walks (good eh) took 1200 pictures and yes I am serious. Saw some awesome wildlife I had a chipmunk just about eating out of my hand.
Will continue this when I get home it is currently 2.54am Thursday morning and I have a flight to catch in a few hours. No sleep since tues night...long flight home.
We flew out of Edmonton 8am Thursday morning. I hated it. I cried when we took off. I cried when i said bye to Jamie. will miss him heaps.
We flew into LA and had 9 hours to wait for the plane so we decided to go to Hollywood Boulevard again and go to Madam Tussards. What a friggen mistake lol. They were unveiling Michael Jacksons wax figure there were tv crews everywhere people everywhere. The wax figures are awesome and look so real. Will upload some shortly lol.
When we got back to chch Pete, Bry and Bugs were waiting right outside the arrivals door. I ran up to them gave Bry a huge kiss and cuddle. Bugs was yelling "mummmmmmmmmm" I gave him a big cuddle and kiss. Tears pouring down my face. He stood there and just stared at me in total amazement lol he kept touching my face was sooo cute. Pete seemed really happy to see me and gave me a huge cuddle.
I loved been away but i was so excited to see my family.
Maybe in a few years i might consider going over to edmonton again could quite easily live there. I fell in love with the city and people.
They are so friendly....except the nutty 7-11 dairy lady. She couldnt understand me and kept yelling at me.
Got woken up this morning at 7.30am and had two wee munchkins in bed with me.

WOW i havent written on here for ages.
Jordan has been assessed by the MOE for his speech and he needs to be seen regulary.
He has been discharged by the physio WooP WOOP.
He is doing great and is such a wee darling. He comes up to me all the time and goes "arv oo" ( i love you).
He was waiting to hop in the bath the other day with Bry and peed all over her leg lol she was not impressed.
His eating is still utter crap and its a huge effort to get him to eat anything. He is still soo skinny.
Shakayla got her report the other day and despite her been a little shit at home she must save her best behaviour for school....glowing report with all As....go Kayla.
This Saturday Kayla and fly over to LA on the sunday we are going to Las Vegas and on the monday disneyland on the Tuesday we fly to edmonton canada for 10 nights for my brothers wedding.
I am going to miss my babies sooooo much.
I still miss mum on a daily basis. I think about her and get so angry that she is gone that i really feel like kicking something and been distructive.
I would walk the earth to see her one more time.
I lay in bed at night once everyone is asleep and cry myself to sleep.
Thats the only time i will let myself think about her. I feel so robbed.
I am slowly loosing weight i have now lost 5 kgs in 3 weeks. I need to lose so much more though such a long process but so worth it.
Pete and i are finally getting married Jan 2011 which really isnt that long away. I seriously dont know how i will do it without my mum. I have spoken to a good friend and have decided that my wedding dance with dad i will use one of mums favourites songs which will no doubt bring me to tears.
I still havent been able to listen to the songs that were played at mums funeral.
Right i have work tonight argh so better get a move on and look presentable.

I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of leaving my children and Pete. I'm scared of them dying.
I think about mum and i get soo angry that she was taken so soon. I still ache so much just to speak to her again.
I look at her ashes and can't believe that that is all that is left of my darling mum.
Jords mri came back perfect and i so wanted to tell her. I think about her and it doesnt matter where i am or what i am doing i get tears.
I did't think it was possible to hurt soo much and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
I feel robbed that i can't see her again and that my kids will never see her again.

Jordan had his MRI on the 28 May. It all went fantastically. He made some funny noises when he went to sleep.....i started freaking the drs told me it is quite normal. He was also quite hard to up but i think thats becuase he had been awake since 2am.
We were quite lucky in the fact that Jords was the first to go up.
I finished work last night and was waiting for Pete to pick me up. I was sitting there thinking about mum humming Celine dions "Goodbye" as it reminds me of mum.I got in the car and the first song that came on was that song. I just sat there and listened.
Then I had a dream last night that she rang me to tell me she was still alive and that it had all been a huge mistake...I remember crying in the phone saying NO NO NO It cant be true your lying to me. She then showed up for the last time and i could hug her again and smell her again. I remember breathing in real deep trying to engrave the smell of her into my head for ever. I remember touching her skin and giving her these huge kisses and just wrapping my arms around her....
Then I woke up and realised it was just a dream Iit felt so real, I can almost still smell her.

My life officially sucks....
I miss mum so much it hurts.I want her back. I have drifted away from all my friends and i feel like my family has been ripped apart. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I lost it at the hospital today.
After waiting since November for a MRI appointment for my 23 month old son we recieved one last week for today. We arrived up there at 7.30am dropped my 3yr old of at a friends. My son was nil by mouth since last night. There were 2 other kids that needed them as well. Since my son was the oldest by 1 day he was to go last. We got told his mri was to be at 11.30am. Needless to say he grizzled the whole time cos he was hungry and thirsty. At 12 we got taken up to the MRI waiting room and told to wait. About 10mins later someone comes in and said it would be another half hour.
Which was fine with us. 20mins later the same guy pops his head through the door and told us to go home as they ran out of time. I asked why they couldnt do his later on this afternoon and was told there were other people waiting for them.....so were we.He was in the room with us all of 20 secs.Went down to the ward and the nurses there had no idea what was going on and when told were fuming.Now my son has eating/drinking problems. He doesn't eat at the best of times he is on neocate and duocal to try and fatten him up. So he really needs his bottles. His poor lips were dry and he was all clammy. He was laying across Petes knees grunting. Surely they would know how long each MRI takes to do and allocate extra time if needed.
I feel the blimmen hospital has failed us again.
I blame them formums death....she should never had died in a room with other patients.

I ache and ache to speak to mum one last time. I want it sooo bad it hurts.
I got the phamplets today for some coucilling (thanks Sonya). There is a 4 week wait but it is better than nothing. I also made Pete read a grief book i had here. I think he understands me a bit more now. I tried to tell him im not angry at hime but just life in general and unfortunatly he is the one who cops it.

I need help. I have plodded on since November with this awful feeling. I could sort of deal with it back then. It started when I got told Jordan (22 Months) had cerebral palsy. I have had it up to here with relatives, friends etc saying there is nothing wrong with Jords.
The pead yesterday mentioned dyspraxia, chronic constipation and Jordy having a MRI...i took none of it in. I was upset he didnt get excited with me when i said i had taught Jordy how to jump.
Mum died a month ago which is a hueg shock to me. I havn't grieved at all for mum even though i know i should be.
I wont think about her because if i do i have to admit she really is gone. At least if i dont think about her i can pretend she is still here.
I have sop much going on in my life right now i feel as if i am cracking. I just want to walk out and leave everything I just want time by myself.
Dont get me wrong i love my children and partner dearly and would never truly leave them but at the mo i just want to go.
I am also scared i will die and leave my children.
I know i am cracking. I am not perfect in fact at the moment i feel like the worlds worst mother/partner/friend.
I wrote on my blog today and a friend has contacted me and said she was worried about me. She has started the process for me to get grief councilling.
I dont drive so i dont go anywhere apart form hospital and work. I feel so alone at the moment...so isolated. I know only i can change that.
I need to visit my dr anyway to get a full medical check for insurance. Seriously i lay in bed at night and wonder if i am going nuts. On the outside i think i seem normal. someone the other day told me i had lost my spark...so if anyone finds it can you kindly return it.
Why can everyone else grieve. I just rang dad and he started crying and i changed the subject so i wouldnt have to think about it.
I have been in touch with a grief councillor but there is a waiting list.
My karitane nurse came round and she is really worried about me. She thinks im not coping with Jordys problems let alone mums.
Far out i wish it was a year ago....i had a mum and a healthy (to my knowledge) son.
My world is crashing down round me and i cant do a bliken thinkg to stop it.
Stop the world i need to get off.

Jordie had his pead appointment yesterday. I thought Jordy was doing ok. The pead thinks otherwise. I was telling him how Jords can jump now and can follow one word instructions. The pead thinks Jordy walking is bad compared to how long he has been walking. Jordy walks with a gait and twists his right leg out. He has been referred to early childhood intervention centre and referred for a MRI which he will need to be knocked out for. I am freaking ...i dont want him knocked out. The pead was also writing a letter again to Beacon House. I know things could be a whole lot worse but this was never how i pictured my sons life to be. Yes he is a wee cutie and a absolute delight and i dont think i would ever change his personality but i wish his life was normal.
The pead also mentioned dyspraxia but i wasnt in the right mindset to question it any further.
I think what makes things so hard is that people see Jordy and to them he looks normal so they dont understand what the hospital are on about. I am sick and tired of trying to explain to people that yes Jordy looks normal but medically he is not. It is a complete waste of my time and energy not to mention it upsets me when people try to double guess and tell me that there is nothing wrong with Jordy. Jordy has cerebral palsy and global learning delays with his speech and motor skills.
There i have had my vent.

Its Brydees birthday on Friday and i am angry, upset, gutted that she wont be here for it.If i dont think about mum I am fine....which is what i have tended to do since she died. I know its all sitting there waiting to overtake me. I have no place to grieve for mum. I wont cry round my kids cos they get upset. So i am just holding it all back. I ... Read Morehave heaps going on at the moment and i seem to be taking more and more on so i dont get a chance to think about mum. Im scared i will crack soon and end up having a breakdown.

I had my 30th on Saturday night and i had a fantastic time...i got utterly drunk.
The night before i had a dream that my brother had sliced my leg open with a knife i sent him to jail and i went round and told mum. She got majorly pissed at me and started chasing me with a knife. I climbed up the big gum tree and then i started flying as mum went to kill me i started crying and as i was crying i started singing "i will always love you"....next minute Pete woke me up and told me to be quiet apparantly i had started singing and crying in my sleep. I broke down when i woke up and i cried and cried.
I still think this is a bad dream and i keep hoping i will wake up soon. I am scared i will forget her.

ewwww freaky freaky freaky...
Brydee is not sleeping at the moment. She goes to bed and comes out saying she is scared. This has been going on for the last week or so.
I asked her today why she was scared and she said "the baby cries" I asked her what baby and her reply was "baby on the box (blanket hamper) cries.
I asked her when she sees the baby and she replied "in bed"....I dont know if i believe in ghosts but this has me stumped. She is really scared at night.

I feel flat...Its my 30th party this weekend and i cant help but feel it will be a flop. I dont feel like celebrating a blimmen thing.
I physically ache to see her and speak to her one more time.

My grandad died about 4 years ago the year after he died on his birthday my aunty died. We always said he wanted someone with him. I am petrified and i mean really really scared that mum will do the same thing. I'm scared it will be Jordy she had a special bond with Jordy.
I know it is irrational thinking and it will probably never happen but i cant help feeling scared that she will take my boy.

I am existing...nothing more nothing less. I get through what i have to to get through the day. My poor children are having to entertain themselves.
I am in denial I know that mum has gone but i refuse to think about it and if i do the slightest thing gets me crying again. How am i supposed to cope without her. I miss her so much. I just want one more kiss, 1 more cuddle.
She was the best mum someone could have.
I have a continous lump in my throat and i cannot shake this headache.
I feel as if i am not allowed to mourne her now. Her funeral is over with. I should be getting on with my life. When all i want to do is go to bed and cry for my mum. Cry for all the birthdays she will miss. Her childrens weddings she will miss.
I miss her phonecalls everytime the phone rings i hope that its mum and this has all been a huge mistake. When infact she is still alive and i have been dreaming. Perhaps i could pretend she is still here but i just havnt seen her for a while.

We got mums ashes back today. So we went out for tea at nannas. I just got home not long ago and have broken down and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was sitting at the computor crying and pete asked what was wrong and all i could say was "my pumpkin patch online shopping list had gone" he just sort of looked at me funny.
We got home from nannas to find our freezer had defrosted today. There would be a good $2000 worth of food in there.

THIS IS WHAT I WROTE AND READ OUT AT MUMS FUNERAL....

Mum was one of those rare few ladies who felt sorry for anyone and everything. Throughout my time at home growing up we always had an abundance of animals and random people at our house.

We always had an extra person or two here staying.

Mum suffered from sleep apnoea and doing so created many an embarrassing moment for us. I remember going to our form 3 introduction night at high school. There was myself, my aunty, my cousin Damian and mum. We stupidly sat in the front row. About a quarter of the way through we hear this horrendous snoring. Mum had fallen asleep. Damian, Aunt Jo and myself shot right down the other end of the row and sat there giggling like little school girls. Now mums snoring was enough to wake the dead. She got admitted to hospital once and was in a ward she woke up in the morning and she was in the recovery room….her snoring was so loud she kept everyone awake.

Mum sleep apnoea caused other problems as well. I had a friend over staying we were woken in the middle of the night to mum mumbling away to herself sitting at the kitchen table naked. Next minute we hear her scream “Lawrie” at the top of her voice and a cup of coffee goes flying across the lounge room. She was sleepwalking/talking. She also used to fall asleep doing mundane things like eating her tea, going to the toilet and OMG my teacher interviews. I had a teacher interview mum is sitting there talking to my teacher who was saying what a star pupil I was next minute you hear the telltale snoring. I felt about 2 inches tall. Another night I hear “Lawrie lawrie I’m on fire” she had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette in bed and dropped the smoke onto the duvet which had caught fire.

Mum was fiercely protective of her children and thought nothing of going to confront the local bully who had smacked me in the jaw. We nearly lost Jamie when he was baby I think because of that mum was almost over protective of us. I remember having blood tests when I was 14. Mum arrived the next day at the front gate of my high school in her most loudest voice she told all around and myself that my blood results had come back…. Nicotine had shown up in my blood results and I was allergic to it and I was in bloody trouble and to get my backside home. She marched behind me home and every time I slowed down she kicked my backside, whilst my friends namely Kim walked behind mum sniggering. I only found out in later years she had found a box of cigarette butts under my bed and had lied to me. We were her life.

My cousin Kelly and I got mum drunk one night. Now mum was not a drinker at all. We gave her wild turkey and each glass had more and more wild turkey and less coke. We all decided to go for a walk down to the grave yard slightly over drunk by now. We were in the graveyard and mum saw a car passing by she promptly dropped to her stomach and hid behind a gravestone. She then got up and ran home. The rest of us ambled home and saw mum sitting underneath my bedroom window in the garden with her arms and legs crossed. We got her inside and put her up against the kitchen bench where she constantly kept on slipping down the cupboards. I ended up throwing a blanket over and going to bed. That was the one and only time I ever saw her drunk.

At 17 I got pregnant with Shakayla my partner took off and if it wasn’t for mum and dad and their brilliant support Shakayla wouldn’t be here. Mum was holding my hand when Shakayla was born by c section she was the first person to hold her and kiss her. She idolized her and couldn’t wait until she had more grandchildren. I got pregnant with Brydee 8 years later and then had wee Jordan. Again mum was there every step of the way with me and was either on her way or in the waiting room when each child was born.

In November Jordan was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and learning difficulties mum was the first person I told. I knew she would say the right words to me. We sat and cried together with mum saying everything will be alright she will be with me every step of the way. 4 months later mum and you have left me. I need you.

Mum thanks to Ngarie had a police scanner and would have it on 24-7. When Jamie was about 17 he had a RX7. Mum was listening to the scanner one day and heard Jamie’s name and car come over she promptly rang him and was speaking to his then girlfriend and telling her to tell Jamie to get his bloody arse home whilst the police were issuing Jamie with a ticket.

Mum was the sort of mum who liked embarrassing us kids. Mum had a stomach bug and Danielle and her were at the supermarket mum proceeded to break wind right round the supermarket and took great delight in letting poor Danielle take the blame for it. They got in the car and Danielle started shrieking “don’t you dare crap in my car” I pretty sure mum wet herself and then crapped her pants. Danielle was not impressed.

Mum created so many memories for us kids. We used to go camping every year. One year when I was about 24 we were out camping and someone had a nifty fifty mum decided she would like a go she got on the bike revved it up like a big child and proceeded to ride straight towards the river screaming like a banshee revving it up more. She had her legs sticking right out and went and crashed right in the bushes. I nearly wet myself laughing at the sight of her. She wasn’t hurt thank god.

Mum was devasted when Jamie went to Canada on his OE and her last words to him “for god’s sake Jamie don’t get involved with a Canadian bird”. Jamie arrived back a year later with Janice who was later on to become his fiancée. Mum had a special spot for Janice and has grown to love her and rely on her to keep Jamie in line.

Mum has been in and out of hospital for the last year when I got the call yesterday I thought it was no different to any other time. I was shocked to see her and I will never forget the nurses words of “she’s passed” the 4^th of the March has been and will ever be the worst day of my life.

Mum you have raised 3 fantastic children if I do say so myself. I don’t know who I will ring now when I want a chat. You were on of the most caring, supportive, stubborn, sweet, funniest ladies I have had the pleasure of knowing.

I am privileged that I was chosen as your daughter. I don’t know how I am going to cope without you.

Mum I love and miss you more than you will ever ever know. Until we meet again mum sleep sweetly and watch over us all.

Your job here is done.

MUMS DEAD

4th March I recieved a phone call from nanna that mum wasn't too good and to get up to the hospital straight away. I finally managed to get hold of Pete and go up there. When i got there mum was still in a room with other patients but with the curtains around her. I swear she had already gone then. She looked awful her head was back she had a mask on her face there were tubes everywhere and she was grey. The nurse came in and looked at her went up closer to her. I was sitting holding mums hand and the nurse reached over me touched mums neck and goes "shes passed". I lost it as did my brother. We both let out huge cries...gutwrenching sobbing. How on earth am i going to get by without her. The nurse came in and asked me if i knew how to organise a funeral. I told her i had no bloody idea my mum had never died before. Dad was standing at the end of mums bed crying. My sister took of out to the hallway and was swearing about the hospital.
We all went back to my brothers and organised a funeral place.
That night i stayed at mums and attempted to sleep on her couch with her pillow. It smelled of her and all i did was cry. One of my besties flew down from Auckland 2 hours after mum went. She came and stayed with me at mums. I attempted to do a montage of her but my flippen scanner broke.
I think at best i had 1 hours sleep that night. I had no appetite. I didn't realise you could hurt so much from losing a person.
Thurs we had Cynthia (funeral lady) coming over at 9.30am. We were all sitting at the kitchen table and she was asking about mums childhood. We got stuck on one part and i said "hold on a minute i will give mum a call and findout." I realised what i said and took of up to mums room. I sat on her bed sobbing. I attempted doing the montage again on Thursday. we were allowed to go and see mum Thursday night. I was so scared i thought she would look horrid. I was physicall shaking and hyperventilating. I walked in and had a look. I broke down in tears aagain as did my brother and dad. Mum looked great.
Again i had no sleep that night. I sat up getting her songs, montage and speech ready.
I was really dreading the funeral i was scared it was going to be a flop.
We had the crusaders theme song playing (she was a proud one eyed cantabrian) just before the celebrant started speaking. She spoke for a while then i got up to speak. That was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. We played Alan Jacksons song "sissys song" (google it ) I put on the montage i did for mum. then we played The pretenders I'll stand by you". Finally we took her coffin out. I was a pall bearer. We took her out to amazing grace on the bagpipes.
The hardest thing i have ever had to do was watch the hearse drive away with my mum. The community watch van went in frount with flashing lights.
I just want to see mum again to hear her voice to give her a kiss. I'm so scared i'm going to forget her. When mum was well she would ring about 5 or 6 times a day.
I would walk the earth to see her one more time.

OMG who on earth would have children!!!
We got on the bus today to take Jordy to his appointment for his shoulder at the hospital. About 5 mins later this old man hopped on and Brydee shouts out at the top of her voice "mum loooooook its santeeeeeeez (santa)" i sort of mumbled shhh Bry and turned my head but she kept going on "mum its santeez its santeez" to give her credit he did look a LOT like santa.
Anyway got up to the hospital with 10 mins to spare before our appointment at 10.40am at 12.30pm we finally get seen.....grrrrrrr.
Jordy only has to wear the sling for comfort now but will always be deformed (i hate that word) and have a huge lump sticking out of his neck. I'm just grateful he doesnt need an operation.

Well thanks to a very dear friend and my brother it looks like i very well might be going to Canada.....YAY.
The Jordie Boy is in such a grizzly mood at the moment. We took him to the gardens yesterday and sat on a grassy area. Him and Brydee were running round like idiots. Jordy started to put wee daisys in his ears man it looked funny. He had these big stalks sticking out of his ears hehe. and yes we told him not to do it and it was dangerous hehe.
He still has a huge lump sticking out of his neck but he is using his arm alright. He has hospital on wednesday for it.

What a day!!!
Mt brother is getting married in Canada in August. I told him i wasn't able to afford to go.
He is paying for Shakayla to go over and he rang me today and said he will pay just under half my airfare.
Pete has said he doesn't mind if i go but i feel so bad about him not being able to go. There is no way we are able to afford for the whole family to go. My brother will have no other family there apart from my sister and perhaps my mum and dad.
I really really want to be there for him but just don't know what to do. I will also be away from Bry and Jordy the whole time and just don't know if i can do it.
My head is in a huge turmoil.....
What do i do?????

Well we are now all bogged down with this horrid cold. Poor Jordy isn't handling it at well. He cries almost all day. I will just have him quiet and Pete walks in from work and he startes crying again.
It seriously drives me batty doesn't help i can hardly breathe with this stupid cold.
PMSL Jordy is a typical male!!!! He has taken to walking round with his hands down the frount of his nappy .....boys eh.

My son has no rhythm at all!!!! PMSL
The wiggles were on earlier and he started dancing to them he looked like he was having a fit ...real sudden and spasmic movements hehe.
Poor wee man. He still has his cold but he lovingly shared it with me and Bry so both now feel like a hunk of poos.
Its Kaylas first day of intermediate today hehe
She looked so cute and grown up heading of to school.

Poor Jordy time...
He has a snotty nose and is generally miserable. His sisters have gone swimming and he really really wanted to go. When he realised his carseat wasn't going in the car he ran threw himself down onto the floor and sobbed.
Poor wee sausage.
He is in bed at the moment when he wakes up we will take Murphy for a walk.

Jordy has a cold and is miserable. He is sick of his arm in a sling.
He has a huge lump (maybe a bone) sticking out of his neck. I don't know if its normal or not.
I don't know if i mentioned or not but he weighs 9.8kg "sigh" he has only put on 200 grams in 3-4 months. He should be putting on a lot more as he has the fattener and carbs put in his bottles.
He is starting to get a tiny wee bum on him now though.

WOW I had the worst day ever.
Jprdy had his dietician appointment at 1pm we took him to that and they aren't happy with his weight gain...:(
After we had been to the hospital we decided to stop in at subway and pay our car rego i got the subway whilst Pete went and got the rego he had Jordy with him. He got back to the car just before me. I went to open my door just as he shut Jordys and low and behold it wouldnt open. Pete had acidently locked the car doors with Jordy in it and the ar keys on the frount seat....
I rang Petes mum to go to our house and get the spare key by the time i had rung her aand she had been to my house 25 mins had passed.
Poor Jordy was getting dozy and the sweat was literally pouring of him. I started freaking of course and telling Pete to just break the window....as time passed Jordy stopped rying and started to get dozier and dozier. I gave Pete 5 more mins before i broke a window thats when his mum turned up. Poor Jords drank half a pump bottle full of water....
I felt like the worst mother ever!!!!!!!!!!!

I had just finished work and was winding down. I decided to go outside for a last smoke. Just finished when i had the cat meowing from in the garage so i opened the door to let her out and i saw the biggest most ugliest hugest white tail ever on the garage door.
I ran and got the camera and took a photo...not a very good one either cos i was too scared to get close.
We had a brand new can of spider barrier spray stuff sitting on the ledge and i seriously sprayed the whole lot on this spider...it was white by the time i had finished. The i thought FARK you silly tart...i was in a tiny garage and just used a whole can of spider spray i started imagining spiders dropping from the roof and landing on me which of course sent me into panic mode. I tried to run out of the garage but procceeded to trip over kaylas bike and a mates tent. I was just about in tears at this time.
I got out the garage and ripped my top off. I am now sitting here at 1.04am with no top on and im sure there is a million spiders walking over me.....
How am i supposed to sleep now;

We have the dietician appointment for Jordy tomorrow. I "hope" he has gained weight. He is such a wee trooper with wearing the sling. I went and got some cool material yesterday for his slings. He now has camo, army, circus and dinosaur material hehe.
I think i need glasses. Everytime i am on the computor or reading i have to concentrate to focus properly and my eyes hurt....

Well I ain't feeling very positive at the moment!!!!!!!!!!!
I rung bio lab today to order some more neocate for Jordy. They said i would need a new prescription from the dr (i need a new one every 3 months) so i rang the dr and she said that would be fine.
I get a phone call 5 minutes later from the nurse saying our pharmacy number has run out. The pead hasn't reapplied for a new one. The nurse asked if i had enough neocate for 3 more weeks...I have enough for a week at the most.
So i am now officially up shit creek without a paddle. Jordy WON'T drink milk....I still don't feel 100 percent safe giving it to him either.

I read a thread on tm today about "are you a positive person". Once upon a time i was. I always looked for the good in anything and everyone.
Dealing with Jordy I do have a "why me" moments but i also think "man he could be so much worse". I know his condition isnt life threatening but it is life changing.
At the moment Jordy is walking round and round and round in a huge circle going aaahhhh ahhhhh. He has been doing it for the last 10 minutes.
All the kiddies woke up late this morning at 9am....bliss

Jordy has been handling his broken collar bone extremely well. He has fallen over a few times but nothing too major.
He is now used to his sling. I went to change it tonight and found a wee ball, a jigsaw piece and a mega block hidden in it hehe.
He has been a bit harder to settle at night. We put him to bed at his normal time of 7pm and he dozed on and off until 10pm. We got him up gave him some pamol and he played with the barbies hehe.
I just put him back to bed he has a barbie purse in one hand and a bratz knee high boot in the other... he is a boy honestly!!!

Anybody want a 11 year old. She is doing my head in. Nothing but a rude and ignorant little girl. She wanted to get on the internet last night at 11pm i told her no. She went to bed and so did i. About 40 mins later i heard a noise and i got up. Kayla was on the freaken internet....so blimmen sneaky.
She has whinged and bitched and moaned for a dog. We got one and now she treats him like shit. Yells and screams at him all the time.
she has no respect for anyone. I have tried talking to her, grounding her, ignoring her nothing works.
She has one volume tone and thats bloody loud.
She asked to bus to Jellie park today and I told her she wasn't allowed to she has whinged all day saying that her friends are.
Jordy won't keep his sling on he keeps slipping his arm out. It must be so uncomfortable for him. I went to put his sling on and stabbed myself with the safety pin...its not very safe if it still pricks me.
I have chocolate all over my kitchen floor from where Kayla made a choc cake yesterday. The terms were she makes it she cleans the mess. I went to work got home last night and the mess was still there.
All I have heard from Shakayla today is I don't like this programme, I don't want that for lunch....ungrateful little so and so.

Well Jordy has just woken up from a mega sleep. 12.30ish until now. He so must of needed it and is now having a huge feed of boysenberries and raspberries thanks to Aunty Catherine and nanna. He seems to be sleeping well with the sling on. Although he did cry heaps when i straightened it up before poor wee man.
Shakayla and Brydee have just made a choc cake and a mega mess in my kitchen ARGH....
I have work tonight and so don't feel like going.

He slept right through the night yay.
I however had a horrid dream. I dreamt my brother was crying that real deep broken hearted crying saying hes gone hes gone. I asked him who was gone and he said my nephew. I ran out on the street and there was a huge crowd gathered around a body on the road....It was Jordy. I woke up crying and upset....horrid horrid horrid.

Back from the drs and hospital. Jordan has snapped his right clavical (collarbone) so is in a sling for 4 weeks. They can't plaster it and he doesn't need an operation at the moment. The dr also said to keep him of his feet as well because if he falls he can do more damage...how on earth do you keep a 19 month old of his feet....

What a freaken day. I have spent the whole day holding Jordy. Everytime I put him down he cries. He hasn't eaten or taken in any fluids today. I keep trying but he spits it out. He is tired but won't sleep. At the moment he is on the beanbag just laying there. One very very sad boy. We are of to the drs at 6pm.

I have the shittiest of nights. I wouldn't be lying when i say i was up to Jordy over 20 times. I ended up with him in my bed. He didn't want to drink. I would cuddle him and he would drift of to sleep and wake about 10 minutes later crying again.
He didn't eat brekky this morning and was just grizzling. All he wants is to be cuddled. If I put him down he cries.'
I put him back to bed at 9.30am and he has just woken now and just wants to be cuddled. At the moment he is snuggled up on his great nannas knee. He has a wee temp so i really don't know what is wrong with him....

Is it wrong of me to secretly hope i get pregnant each month. I know in my head that we don't NEED another child. I have a huge workload this year.... working nights, secretary of Petes Soccer club, secretary of Canterbury Sunday Soccer League (argh), a tween with a mega attitude, sweet innocent Bry and of course everything that is going on with Jordy not to mention a energetic boisterous puppy but i don't think I would be unhappy if i did get pregnant. My family has never felt "complete". How do you know when it is complete....do you just know???
I have my tubes tied so there isn't much chance of me falling pregnant and i have so much scar tissue that wouldn't help. But i would love for another child. Another baby to snuggle and smell that whole baby smell. Another baby to look forward to meeting. Another baby to get up to during the night and comfort....,....ARGH I am so clucky.
No use asking my brother and his fiancee to have a baby as they are running back to Canada and will take the baby with them.....

I LOVE this pic of Jords
My beautiful tween.

Jordy kissing the horse

Jordy just after the emu pecked him.
Jordy trying to feed the geese stones.

weird weird child. Jordy still has a rash over his legs bum etc. Looks like measles but not as bad as the ones on google. Pretty sure it isn't pox. No snotty nose, cold etc. Just a rash. I thought it could of been heat rash but we have been nowhere where it is hot.....hmmmm strange strange child.

Farkkkkkkkkk we have spots!!!!! All over his legs and bum. Hoping its just a heat rash but they looking alot like the pox....

I don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life today.... We took the kids to Willowbank. Jordy has no fear at all. He kept trying to put his hand in with the eels as we were feeding them i kept having mini heart attacks each time he went to put his hand in. We walk on round to the deer and he walks right up to one and starts cuddling its head. I was freaking at Pete to get Jordy away before he was bitten. Once he had given the deer some pellets he tried to feed the some stones. We walked round to the emu/ostrich and he was holding onto the wire fence. Next minute you see this huge bird running towards us with its tiny wings outstretched. Pete starts saying "Jordy let go of the fence, Jordy let go of the fence, Jordy I'm seriously let go of the fence" hehe his voice was going up in octaves. He was trying to ply his fingers away. This huge bird runs up and starts pecking at Jordys fingers... Im freaking majorly imagining that i will see this bird pull away and have Jordys finger hanging out his mouth. I'm ashamed to admit it but i hid my head. I looked up and Jordy was near wetting himself with laughter. He laughed and laughed and tried to make the emu peck him again. Fark it looked funny. There were geese everywhere and they started hissing at us so Jordan tried to feed them stones...again. He did manage to pat a wallaby and go for a donkey ride. We were looking at the Gibbons and he was standing right beside us. We turned to keep walking and Jordy had gone. He was about 3 meters away partly sitting in some tall grasses with a freaken chicken...trying to feed her a stone grrr.
All in all it was a great day....very very tired kiddies today.

We took the wee ones swimming at Jellie park today. Brydee loved it whilst Jordy cried the whole time and had his head tucked into my neck. We ended up putting him in the pram and putting him right beside the pool where we were sitting. (no he wasn't in the horrid 36 deg sun). He fell asleep within 5 minutes.
Pete and I went out for tea on Tuesday and to the movies. The previews had just started when the stupid projector blew up grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. We did get 2 double passes to any movie. 9pm and we had nothing to do and a baby sitter. Hehe we ended up coming home and just blobbing.
Just out of curiousity how many people actually read this. I have often wondered whether many people read this or just one or two. leave a comment so i know whether to sensor my posts or not hehe. ;)

Well we got home from camping yesterday. We went to Purau for 5 nights. Poor Jordy had a sicky tummy before we left and he continued to vomit only once a day for the first 3 days.. Brydee became a camp urchin ....we barely saw her. Shakayla found a group of friends and hung with them all day.
I proceeded to make a huge fool of myself xmas eve and got up and sung kareoki hehe i thought i soundd fantastic i can only but imagine what i really sounded like....stupid bottle of vodka, beer, bourbon and sambuca jellies hehe.
Needless to say i had a doozy of a hangover the next day.
We had fantastic weather over there ...it was almost too hot.
On new years day night i had just gotten into bed when i heard a possum outside. I tried to wake pete up to scare it away but he wouldnt go. I proceeded to lay there for the next hour listening to the horrid thing scampering round our tentsite. I was just waiting for it to claw my head which was against the back of the tent. I must of eventually fallen asleep.
There was another wee boy out camping whose birthday is the exact same day as Jordy...what a difference. Wee Sam was running everywhere. It just showed how behind Jordy is. There was also another wee boy who is almost 5 yet looked and spoke like a 2 year old. He suffers from dyspraxia and a number of other things. Just showed how bad Jords could be.