Its Brydees birthday on Friday and i am angry, upset, gutted that she wont be here for it.If i dont think about mum I am fine....which is what i have tended to do since she died. I know its all sitting there waiting to overtake me. I have no place to grieve for mum. I wont cry round my kids cos they get upset. So i am just holding it all back. I ... Read Morehave heaps going on at the moment and i seem to be taking more and more on so i dont get a chance to think about mum. Im scared i will crack soon and end up having a breakdown.

I had my 30th on Saturday night and i had a fantastic time...i got utterly drunk.
The night before i had a dream that my brother had sliced my leg open with a knife i sent him to jail and i went round and told mum. She got majorly pissed at me and started chasing me with a knife. I climbed up the big gum tree and then i started flying as mum went to kill me i started crying and as i was crying i started singing "i will always love you"....next minute Pete woke me up and told me to be quiet apparantly i had started singing and crying in my sleep. I broke down when i woke up and i cried and cried.
I still think this is a bad dream and i keep hoping i will wake up soon. I am scared i will forget her.

ewwww freaky freaky freaky...
Brydee is not sleeping at the moment. She goes to bed and comes out saying she is scared. This has been going on for the last week or so.
I asked her today why she was scared and she said "the baby cries" I asked her what baby and her reply was "baby on the box (blanket hamper) cries.
I asked her when she sees the baby and she replied "in bed"....I dont know if i believe in ghosts but this has me stumped. She is really scared at night.

I feel flat...Its my 30th party this weekend and i cant help but feel it will be a flop. I dont feel like celebrating a blimmen thing.
I physically ache to see her and speak to her one more time.

My grandad died about 4 years ago the year after he died on his birthday my aunty died. We always said he wanted someone with him. I am petrified and i mean really really scared that mum will do the same thing. I'm scared it will be Jordy she had a special bond with Jordy.
I know it is irrational thinking and it will probably never happen but i cant help feeling scared that she will take my boy.

I am existing...nothing more nothing less. I get through what i have to to get through the day. My poor children are having to entertain themselves.
I am in denial I know that mum has gone but i refuse to think about it and if i do the slightest thing gets me crying again. How am i supposed to cope without her. I miss her so much. I just want one more kiss, 1 more cuddle.
She was the best mum someone could have.
I have a continous lump in my throat and i cannot shake this headache.
I feel as if i am not allowed to mourne her now. Her funeral is over with. I should be getting on with my life. When all i want to do is go to bed and cry for my mum. Cry for all the birthdays she will miss. Her childrens weddings she will miss.
I miss her phonecalls everytime the phone rings i hope that its mum and this has all been a huge mistake. When infact she is still alive and i have been dreaming. Perhaps i could pretend she is still here but i just havnt seen her for a while.

We got mums ashes back today. So we went out for tea at nannas. I just got home not long ago and have broken down and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was sitting at the computor crying and pete asked what was wrong and all i could say was "my pumpkin patch online shopping list had gone" he just sort of looked at me funny.
We got home from nannas to find our freezer had defrosted today. There would be a good $2000 worth of food in there.

THIS IS WHAT I WROTE AND READ OUT AT MUMS FUNERAL....

Mum was one of those rare few ladies who felt sorry for anyone and everything. Throughout my time at home growing up we always had an abundance of animals and random people at our house.

We always had an extra person or two here staying.

Mum suffered from sleep apnoea and doing so created many an embarrassing moment for us. I remember going to our form 3 introduction night at high school. There was myself, my aunty, my cousin Damian and mum. We stupidly sat in the front row. About a quarter of the way through we hear this horrendous snoring. Mum had fallen asleep. Damian, Aunt Jo and myself shot right down the other end of the row and sat there giggling like little school girls. Now mums snoring was enough to wake the dead. She got admitted to hospital once and was in a ward she woke up in the morning and she was in the recovery room….her snoring was so loud she kept everyone awake.

Mum sleep apnoea caused other problems as well. I had a friend over staying we were woken in the middle of the night to mum mumbling away to herself sitting at the kitchen table naked. Next minute we hear her scream “Lawrie” at the top of her voice and a cup of coffee goes flying across the lounge room. She was sleepwalking/talking. She also used to fall asleep doing mundane things like eating her tea, going to the toilet and OMG my teacher interviews. I had a teacher interview mum is sitting there talking to my teacher who was saying what a star pupil I was next minute you hear the telltale snoring. I felt about 2 inches tall. Another night I hear “Lawrie lawrie I’m on fire” she had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette in bed and dropped the smoke onto the duvet which had caught fire.

Mum was fiercely protective of her children and thought nothing of going to confront the local bully who had smacked me in the jaw. We nearly lost Jamie when he was baby I think because of that mum was almost over protective of us. I remember having blood tests when I was 14. Mum arrived the next day at the front gate of my high school in her most loudest voice she told all around and myself that my blood results had come back…. Nicotine had shown up in my blood results and I was allergic to it and I was in bloody trouble and to get my backside home. She marched behind me home and every time I slowed down she kicked my backside, whilst my friends namely Kim walked behind mum sniggering. I only found out in later years she had found a box of cigarette butts under my bed and had lied to me. We were her life.

My cousin Kelly and I got mum drunk one night. Now mum was not a drinker at all. We gave her wild turkey and each glass had more and more wild turkey and less coke. We all decided to go for a walk down to the grave yard slightly over drunk by now. We were in the graveyard and mum saw a car passing by she promptly dropped to her stomach and hid behind a gravestone. She then got up and ran home. The rest of us ambled home and saw mum sitting underneath my bedroom window in the garden with her arms and legs crossed. We got her inside and put her up against the kitchen bench where she constantly kept on slipping down the cupboards. I ended up throwing a blanket over and going to bed. That was the one and only time I ever saw her drunk.

At 17 I got pregnant with Shakayla my partner took off and if it wasn’t for mum and dad and their brilliant support Shakayla wouldn’t be here. Mum was holding my hand when Shakayla was born by c section she was the first person to hold her and kiss her. She idolized her and couldn’t wait until she had more grandchildren. I got pregnant with Brydee 8 years later and then had wee Jordan. Again mum was there every step of the way with me and was either on her way or in the waiting room when each child was born.

In November Jordan was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and learning difficulties mum was the first person I told. I knew she would say the right words to me. We sat and cried together with mum saying everything will be alright she will be with me every step of the way. 4 months later mum and you have left me. I need you.

Mum thanks to Ngarie had a police scanner and would have it on 24-7. When Jamie was about 17 he had a RX7. Mum was listening to the scanner one day and heard Jamie’s name and car come over she promptly rang him and was speaking to his then girlfriend and telling her to tell Jamie to get his bloody arse home whilst the police were issuing Jamie with a ticket.

Mum was the sort of mum who liked embarrassing us kids. Mum had a stomach bug and Danielle and her were at the supermarket mum proceeded to break wind right round the supermarket and took great delight in letting poor Danielle take the blame for it. They got in the car and Danielle started shrieking “don’t you dare crap in my car” I pretty sure mum wet herself and then crapped her pants. Danielle was not impressed.

Mum created so many memories for us kids. We used to go camping every year. One year when I was about 24 we were out camping and someone had a nifty fifty mum decided she would like a go she got on the bike revved it up like a big child and proceeded to ride straight towards the river screaming like a banshee revving it up more. She had her legs sticking right out and went and crashed right in the bushes. I nearly wet myself laughing at the sight of her. She wasn’t hurt thank god.

Mum was devasted when Jamie went to Canada on his OE and her last words to him “for god’s sake Jamie don’t get involved with a Canadian bird”. Jamie arrived back a year later with Janice who was later on to become his fiancée. Mum had a special spot for Janice and has grown to love her and rely on her to keep Jamie in line.

Mum has been in and out of hospital for the last year when I got the call yesterday I thought it was no different to any other time. I was shocked to see her and I will never forget the nurses words of “she’s passed” the 4^th of the March has been and will ever be the worst day of my life.

Mum you have raised 3 fantastic children if I do say so myself. I don’t know who I will ring now when I want a chat. You were on of the most caring, supportive, stubborn, sweet, funniest ladies I have had the pleasure of knowing.

I am privileged that I was chosen as your daughter. I don’t know how I am going to cope without you.

Mum I love and miss you more than you will ever ever know. Until we meet again mum sleep sweetly and watch over us all.

Your job here is done.

MUMS DEAD

4th March I recieved a phone call from nanna that mum wasn't too good and to get up to the hospital straight away. I finally managed to get hold of Pete and go up there. When i got there mum was still in a room with other patients but with the curtains around her. I swear she had already gone then. She looked awful her head was back she had a mask on her face there were tubes everywhere and she was grey. The nurse came in and looked at her went up closer to her. I was sitting holding mums hand and the nurse reached over me touched mums neck and goes "shes passed". I lost it as did my brother. We both let out huge cries...gutwrenching sobbing. How on earth am i going to get by without her. The nurse came in and asked me if i knew how to organise a funeral. I told her i had no bloody idea my mum had never died before. Dad was standing at the end of mums bed crying. My sister took of out to the hallway and was swearing about the hospital.
We all went back to my brothers and organised a funeral place.
That night i stayed at mums and attempted to sleep on her couch with her pillow. It smelled of her and all i did was cry. One of my besties flew down from Auckland 2 hours after mum went. She came and stayed with me at mums. I attempted to do a montage of her but my flippen scanner broke.
I think at best i had 1 hours sleep that night. I had no appetite. I didn't realise you could hurt so much from losing a person.
Thurs we had Cynthia (funeral lady) coming over at 9.30am. We were all sitting at the kitchen table and she was asking about mums childhood. We got stuck on one part and i said "hold on a minute i will give mum a call and findout." I realised what i said and took of up to mums room. I sat on her bed sobbing. I attempted doing the montage again on Thursday. we were allowed to go and see mum Thursday night. I was so scared i thought she would look horrid. I was physicall shaking and hyperventilating. I walked in and had a look. I broke down in tears aagain as did my brother and dad. Mum looked great.
Again i had no sleep that night. I sat up getting her songs, montage and speech ready.
I was really dreading the funeral i was scared it was going to be a flop.
We had the crusaders theme song playing (she was a proud one eyed cantabrian) just before the celebrant started speaking. She spoke for a while then i got up to speak. That was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. We played Alan Jacksons song "sissys song" (google it ) I put on the montage i did for mum. then we played The pretenders I'll stand by you". Finally we took her coffin out. I was a pall bearer. We took her out to amazing grace on the bagpipes.
The hardest thing i have ever had to do was watch the hearse drive away with my mum. The community watch van went in frount with flashing lights.
I just want to see mum again to hear her voice to give her a kiss. I'm so scared i'm going to forget her. When mum was well she would ring about 5 or 6 times a day.
I would walk the earth to see her one more time.